Jeanne Clears Her Own Childhood PTSD
Jeanne Ranger, Practitioner EFT-Adv,CH,RM
(Add or view comments at the bottom of the page.)
I've tried to write about this event many times, but the words just didn't seem to fit the degree of despair I felt at the time, or the lightness and freedom I felt when it was over, so I simply would give up and hit the delete button.
I had been working with EFT just a short time, having successfully collapsed some of my PTSD (severe child abuse) alone. I felt quite isolated from anyone who knew or used EFT, (partially my own doing), but I knew that considering the events from my traumatic childhood, I had a long way to go, and had a lot of mother issues to work on.
This event occurred after my friend and I were returning home from visiting his mother. I enjoyed these visits with her; she is one of the kindest, most loving, caring, nurturing individuals I have ever known. But on this drive home, a weight of overwhelming grief, sadness, resentment, and anger that I had repressed all these years about mothers came to the surface. I fell apart.
My friend didn't understand, didn't know what to do, or what to say, and even though he had introduced me to EFT, he wouldn't or couldn't use it to help me. He left to go back to his own home nearly a thousand miles away. I was left alone, with a mind-boggling disturbance the size of the San Andreas earthquake fault.
At the time I didn't know any EFT’ers, and couldn't afford to pay anyone to get me through this anyway, so I got out my EFT DVDs looking for anything appropriate to help with what I was going through. I tapped through several Borrowing Benefits sessions, and other sessions including an abandonment session, followed by the boiling water session which shook me to my core. It reminded me that my own mother had thrown hot grease on my three year old sister - there was no telling what other events might have occurred.
I rationalized that this wasn't her fault; she was schizophrenic. But the traumas were there, and coming to the surface. It stood to reason that there were other incidents of abuse and neglect, and that's why she had been institutionalized and why my father put us three girls in an orphanage. The orphanage led to convents … a stepmother who was the epitome of the wicked witch of the west … running away .. foster homes, and more. There was so much I needed to work through. I kept at it.
Even though my mom didn't want me, didn't love me…
Even though she couldn't take care of me, I didn't deserve to be abused…
Even though I never knew her ... I don't remember her…
Even though they said she was dead but I knew they were lying…
Even though I swore I would find her someday…
Even though I did find her. Oh my God! it's where and how I found her…
Even though my father later married the wicked which of the west…
Lord, I would have been better off in the convent…
Even though the witch enjoyed seeing us suffer, making us suffer…
Even though she managed to get my dad to participate in the abuse with her…
Even though I meant nothing. I was nothing, a nobody. I was just in her way…
Even though her response to everything was using the ever-present whips…
Even though she seemed to enjoy watching the blood drip down my legs…
Even though it seemed I was used for her sick amusement…
Even though I didn't deserve any of that, I was just a kid…
Saying these things did make me feel better. I realized that she had lived through a horrific childhood also, and on some level probably didn't know any better. Neither of my mothers had experienced a loving childhood, so how could they know how to mother. At some point I felt like I had made some progress. My level of distress, which had been all consuming, was now probably a level of intensity of 5 or 6 on a scale of 0 to 10, and was a breeze by comparison to what it had been. I continued to tap.
Even though neither of my moms knew anything about love… How could they be expected to be nurturing…
But I was just a kid at their mercy…
Even though they didn't teach me how to love and nurture. They didn't know how…
Even though I didn't know how to be loving and nurturing to my own children…
That was a real twist. I realized that part of this "mother" issue included me. I wondered how my children might feel about me and made a mental note to work through that. Later the same day while sitting at my computer, I experienced what I can only describe as a heart attack. It started with a tightness in the middle of my chest, like a vice continually squeezing, so much so that I had to stop and grab at my chest. On a scale of 0 to 10 it was a definite 10. I started to reach for the phone to dial 911. Instead I removed my bra, laid down on my bed, and I started tapping, Even though I have this excruciating pain in my chest…
The pain quickly spread to my ribcage, and my back. I had a queasy stomach and threw up at some point. I was lightheaded, but I kept tapping over and over again on each of the physical symptoms I was experiencing. It was frightening. I did my best to relax my body. I started praying as I tapped because things seemed to be escalating - not for the better.
Lord, even though I don't know what's happening, or what's causing it, I know it has to do with mothers…
Even though I need to look at whatever I'm trying to release with this pain…
Please release this grip on my heart so it can function, as it should.
Remove the pain in my back, and in the rest of my body.
Help me to relax so whatever I need to look at and go through with this episode can be released, and replaced with love and acceptance, joy for living, happiness, good health and abundance in all things.
Please restore my body to good health,
In the name of Jesus, see me through this to its completion.
I repeated this many times while trying to relax my body, and took notice of what I was experiencing. I was so cold. I got up to get a blanket and wrapped myself in it, then pulled the comforter up around me as well. I said all sorts of things as I tapped that I really can't remember, but at some point I decided to stop fighting what was happening and just BE with it.
I had visions about myself as a baby and my birth mom, and things she did. I told myself I was mistaken, there's no way I could remember these things, I was much too young, I had an overactive imagination. Besides she was a very sick woman. By then I was so cold I was shivering violently, my toes and fingers were numb with cold.
I continued to tap without stopping as I had a vision of my mom and me that up to this point I had refused to look at. This time I let it run its course. I saw myself as a baby wrapped in a blanket being thrown outside on our balcony in the snow. I was crying and my right arm and my feet were sticking out of the blanket she had wrapped me in so my hands and feet were exposed to the cold. As I continued to tap I couldn't feel my fingers anymore. I was shivering uncontrollably in my bed, wrapped in all those covers in my 78-degree home. When I looked at my right hand my fingers were actually swollen.
I thought this must be what it's like to die. But I wasn't ready. I knew on some level I had not done what I was here to do so I called a neighbor to take me to the ER. Much blood was taken, many tests were done. By then I felt slightly better. As I lay on the hospital cot I still tapped.
When the pain and light-headedness subsided to a level of intensity of 1 or 2 on a scale of 0 to 10, I stopped tapping, took several long deep breaths while completely relaxing my body so I could take notice of whatever changes were happening. I noticed that my limbs were jumpy, and tingly. I wasn't quite so cold anymore. I was no longer lightheaded but felt very light, and I was very hungry. I knew then I would be OK. The doctor came to inform me there were no signs of a heart attack, so I went home trying to make some sense of what had happened to me.
Since that event, I began to study EFT. I researched it and immersed myself in it. EFT became my life. I eventually became an Advanced EFT Practitioner, continuously working with EFT on myself and anyone who showed any interest in it. EFT was unlike anything I had tried before, and I had spent a not so small fortune receiving treatments and counseling with little success. EFT delivers excellent results and quickly. It became my passion, and my life's work.
I think about my mother and her story of mental illness, and I know she needed help herself, and she did the best she could. I reflect on my stepmother and the abuse I suffered at her hands, but now it's as if that happened to someone else. She too, did the best she could.
The memories are still there, but the triggers are gone. There are no charges on any of it anymore. I am at peace with my childhood. I am at peace with myself. And it's about time considering I am now a senior citizen. I am free. I feel calm and joyful. I am so grateful and thankful for EFT.
There are many similar stories with varying levels of trauma from people of all different ages, backgrounds and ethnicities. I see this frequently these days in my EFT business. Because of my experiences and newly found freedom, I can bring some peace and joy into these people’s lives.
I've since teamed up with another Advanced EFT Practitioner. We give EFT workshops regularly. It's exhilarating to see people change before your very eyes, and to be able to facilitate in their healing.
View All Articles by this Author
Posted March 13, 2010 06:10 PM
I once went to Primal Therapy in L.A. Wjhat you went through was exactly as we(P.T-patients) went through when we regressed into what Janov called "first line experience." How wonderful it would have been that time for me to have known about the tapping too: it wouild have saved years, I think. And I am so happy hearing about you, and your courage was enormous. AND you also went to the E.R: it might have been necessary.
THANK YOU, dear, and bless you!
Posted March 13, 2010 08:44 PM
Thanks NIna. I appreciate your comment. That experience was a big one for me.
In retrospect I should have gone to an EFT Practitioner with this, but at the time I simply just didn't realize it. My feeling was that I had lived with this all my life, so what was so different now?
I never realized that I was experiencing a full fledge panic attack. I thought it was a heart attack. It certainly felt like it. And it was! It was a heart attack of another sort.
Things happen just exactly the way they are supposed to. I learned so much from that experience, and finally let it go.
Since then I've continued to work with EFT on myself and countless clients. It's become my path, my life, my passion. J
Posted March 16, 2010 01:41 AM
Thank you, Jeanne, for relating this amazing experience here. I am awestruck at how you were able to treat yourself in that emergency.
Congratulations for having the enormous courage to go through that by yourself and for coming out of it so well!. Your story gives great hope to a lot of people.
I liked the part about the prayer, too. Sometimes when I feel stuck with EFT and just don't know what to say, I call for spiritual help. And it always does help! It's not something that we usually here in standard EFT training, but I say that whatever works is certainly worth passing on to others.
Best wishes to you in your work. Once you've been through something as deep as you have, you are in such a good place to help others.
Posted March 16, 2010 05:25 PM
Thank you Christa,
It never ceases to amaze me how many people have been deeply scared by similar Childhood Traumas. Most folks don't have the means or opportunity to clear or collapse these so they live with them their entire lives.
Yet these are events that come up for them everyday of their lives, over and over again. They wake up with them, can't sleep at night for remembering and thinking about them. Their environment is very generous about bringing up events, people and things that will remind them over and over again. It's like a living nightmare.
I am so very fortunate to have been able to collapse my Childhood PTSD and put an end to the nightmares. That's why I am so passionate about this work. I want to spread the word about this magical EFT tapping as far and wide as I can, and I am thankful for sites like these that makes it possible.
Posted February 18, 2011 05:07 PM
dear jeanne, i am very new to eft and have learnt it frm the net. reading about your experience, has taught me an imp lesson. i have never ever been abused in my childhood, though i have many grudges against my authoritarian mom. but after reading about your childhood, i am actually feeling sick ! how can anyone go through that? i am shocked! i think i will never say a word against my mom anymore and ask for god's forgiveness. thanks.
Jeanne "J.R." Ranger
Posted February 21, 2011 11:37 PM
Hi Ami, Thanks for your comments. Regardless of what may happen in ones childhood, it is critical to release it and let it go. Our parents do the best they know to do, based on their experience and awareness at the time.
I appreciate your empathy, but don't take on the pain. My pain is long gone. I've forgiven my parents long ago. I forgave them so I could move forward in my life. I'm at peace about my childhood, and I can say quite easily that I've become a stronger and more understanding individual by virtue of having had those experiences. They have helped to be who and what I am today. I am so happy and grateful to EFT for that.
Your authoritarian mom, also did the best she could. Notice that she was a very different person then - even if she is still authoritarian today. Forgiving her and putting your past behind you, will allow you to move forward in your own life by leaps and bounds and give you such peace of mind.
Forgiveness is a wonderful gift we give ourselves. She doesn't have to be in your presence for you to forgive her, just in your heart. "J.R."
Posted June 12, 2011 04:56 PM
DECIDED TO DO SOME RESEARCH ON YOU AFTER RETURNING FROM CHURCH.
YEP, YOU ARE A "STAR LILLY" !!!
YOU DO NOT CARRY ALOT OF BAGGAGE. A CLEAN VESSEL.
LOOK UP THE VERB "TUNE"
YOU ARE TUNED IN .
NOOO INTERFERANCE. NO STATIC
NO EGO. WHOLESOME
A GIFT TO USE WITH GOD'S LOVE.
I'M STILL IMPRESSED.
Leave a Comment
Disclaimer: All information on this website is for educational purposes only, and the content is not intended to suggest that it is a
substitute for proper medical care or good common sense.
While EFT has produced remarkable clinical results, it must still be considered to be in the experimental stage
and thus practitioners and the public must take complete responsibility for their use of it.
In addition, the articles on this site represent the views of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of the
founder of EFT, Gary Craig, nor the owner of this web site, Stefan Gonick.