Aftermath of Divorce
Puja Kanth Alfred, M.A (Psychology), EFT-CERT I , EFT-ADV
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After the divorce there is a complete restructuring of life. You can help this “restructuring” to occur more smoothly with EFT. Research shows that while some people benefit from divorce, others show a decrease in personal growth, depending on the context in which the divorce took place. But more or less everyone is affected emotionally. A woman undergoing domestic violence will feel differently about divorce than a man who has taken divorce because of his spouse cheating on him. The reasons for divorce vary and so do the emotions. However, in this article I have compiled a list of aspects that are commonly experienced.
(To see the first part click here – Divorce Trauma Part 1 )
Shattering of the “Happy ever after” Dream
The “happily married forever” illusion shatters. We are brought up with strong beliefs about marriage. We believe that it is for a lifetime. This belief is shaken up after divorce.
Even though this forever/happily married dream has shattered, I want to accept and face the reality calmly.
Leaving the safety and comfort Zone
Stepping out of the comfort zone is very difficult. Even though the marriage may have been abusive, the comfort of the known and predictable is better than the fear of the unknown. Tackling this fear of unknown is very important.
Even though I fear the unknown, I love and accept myself.
Even though I am out of my safety net, I love and accept myself.
More often than not, regret is present. Looking back at the process may make you feel that it was a wrong decision and regret follows. It helps to think that you did what you had to, at that time and it was the best choice under the available circumstances.
Even though I regret this decision, I still love and accept myself and forgive myself.
Feeling of rejection is tied with unworthiness. Non-deserving feeling is predominant. All these fears are present: Fear of forming new relationships; Distrust of men/women; Fear of making the same mistakes again; Fear of not finding someone.
Even though I feel unworthy, I still love and accept myself
Even though I feel angry, I still love and accept myself
Even though I feel I deserve this as a punishment, I still love and accept myself
Even though I do not deserve good partners, I still love and accept myself.
After divorce, loneliness can be very tough to deal with. Social interactions reduce as people keep asking about your marital status or you cannot bear to look at others in relationships. There is insecurity about future coupled with the desire to have a life partner again.
Even though I am lonely, I still love and accept myself
Even though I hate interacting with people, I still love and accept myself.
Dealing with change in Lifestyle & Income
There would be a lot of changes related to income and lifestyle. Non working women are worst hit. They are left in the lurch when they don’t get alimony.
Single parenting is very tough. Dealing with the day to day challenges requires daily tapping on the accumulative stress and anger. Tapping on your children will also help.
Shift in social Network
Common friends and family may drift apart. This is another contributing factor to loneliness.
The psycho-somatic symptoms like headaches, appetite loss, insomnia may occur due to stress.
What can help
* Social Support of friends and family is crucial.
* Professional Assistance would help. Letting go of the past by doing EFT would help.
* Analyzing your beliefs (writings on your walls and their sources) about divorce and what it means, would help in healing and growth. Answer this – What does Divorce signify to you?
* Accepting the Process and Moving on is the healthiest approach.
Even though my divorce was terrible, I am willing to move on with the resolve to embrace life with peace and calmness.
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Puja Kanth is a Counseling Psychologist, Certified EFT Practitioner and Emotional Trauma Expert. She uses a unique approach called Geo-specific EFT, a cross cultural approach, to work with clients around the globe. Visit her online at www.emofreetherapy.com
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