Child Bonding

By Gillian Wightman EFT CERT-1 AAMET Level 3 Practitioner

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My client is a young Indian woman and we were working via Skype, she had contacted me because she had related to an article I had written about a mothers difficulties with her childs anger.   She was struggling to know how to apply EFT to her own issues and needed guidance and she was in great emotional distress at the time arranged for our session and feeling so overwhelmed she didn’t know where to start. We began by just generally tapping as she was tuned into her feelings, which calmed her.   At this point her son came into the room.  She explained this was part of her overwhelm, she felt very distant and disconnected from her son and often found herself taking out her stress on him, shouting at him and striking him in anger. She despatched him from the room with anger in her voice.

I asked her to be aware of her feelings when she thought of her son.  She realised she felt angry with him and said this was because he did not show her much affection.  I asked her to tune into the anger and where she felt it in her body.

‘Even though I have this anger in my heart I accept myself without judgement”
‘Even though I have this stone in my heart I accept myself without judgement”

The anger had diminished and she now described how often he rolls into a ball when she goes near him, trying to become small. I asked her to be aware of her reaction to imagining him doing this

‘Even though I have this brown sadness in my stomach and heart’ I accept my feelings without judgement

As she tapped round this I asked her to be aware how long she had felt this. It was since he started to pull away from her at 5 months.  I asked her to remember the first time she sensed he was pulling away and she tuned visually into this.

‘Even though he wants his dad, he doesn’t want me, I feel so low, I feel like I am not a good mother I accept myself anyway’

‘Even though he is turning around, he is turning away, he is turning away from me, I accept myself ’

She couldn’t see it anymore, and she felt much better and even laughed.  Her son came back into the room.  I asked her to be aware of how she was feeling.  She said she was so tired.  He climbed on to her lap. I suggested she let him stay while she tapped for feeling so tired of all this pain and conflict as he was part of this.

She was now aware of a beautiful feeling, she realised she would have wanted to push him of her lap before but now she really wanted him to be there.  He looked calm, relaxed, no reservations.

I invited her to tap around as she expressed this feeling towards him

“He is here, he is with me, he has come to me, it feels so good, I love him so much, I am so grateful for him, my little boy’’

He left then, she thought he was overwhelmed when she said I love you so I invited her to tune into this feelings again and she sensed confusion and conflict.

She tapped for him, “Is it true, can it be true, I want it so much” around all the points

She sensed he was more peaceful.  I got her to check how she felt as she looked at him, the feeling in her heart and stomach.  She felt it was still there but it was light brown now not dark. 

I felt it was important to go further back so invited her to tune into her feelings when she discovered she was pregnant.  She told me she had been about to leave to go to India for fertility treatment after years of infertility and then she discovered her ‘miracle’.

“Even though it was such a miracle, I tried for so long, and I had given up, and then he came, he was a miracle, it was too good to be true, I accept all of my feelings without judgement’’

As we tapped around I added, checking with her if it felt ok,

What if I lose him, this fear, I can’t relax, I can’t trust this, I can’t love this baby, I might lose him, I can’t bear it if I lose him’’

All of this was very true for her. She mentioned having placenta previa at 7 months.

She named this movie ‘Fear of losing my baby’ but she didn’t feel very intense.  I asked her to look a little more closely at this memory and see if anything could be intense and she then felt sharp intensity remembering what the doctor said.

I asked her to tap for the her at this exact moment and we tapped all around the points.

‘Even though he said that, he said I may have to deliver at 7 months, I might have to deliver now, I don’t want to lose him now, I have come so far, I cannot lose him now, what if I lose him now, he said I have to deliver, what if something goes wrong, what if I lose this baby, if I lose this baby I will be shattered, God has given me a chance, I am losing Gods change, this may be my last chance, God gave me a miracle, I am losing this miracle, I may never have another chance, God may never give me another chance’

There was no intensity at all now.

We now came to a memory she had mentioned initially of trying to bond with her unborn baby in the shower and feeling no connection, again lots of tapping round the points freeflowing, I tuned into her and provided some suggestions which she felt were appropriate.

‘I can’t feel this baby, I can’t feel the connection, there’s no connection, I can’t feel him, I know he’s there but I can’t feel him.  I can’t feel him because I am too scared to lose him, I am to scared to feel him, if I lose him it would shatter me, I wouldn’t survive that.  It may be easier not to feel but the truth is that was then, this is now and we both survived.  I remember the feeling of being to scared to connect, its time to let this feeling flow, its safe to connect now, I allow myself this connection.  I forgive myself for not connecting then, I was trying to protect myself, I was in so much pain, so much fear, I was doing the best I could, but I don’t have to do it that way anymore.  Part of me shut down then to survive this, I appreciate that part of me, she was doing the best she can’

She realised then she felt much more relaxed and felt great compassion for her younger self who went through this experience.

‘I was doing the best I could, I was so scared, it was so hard, I was terrified.  I thought I was going to lose him, but I didn’t, we both survived’

She realised she was still feeling a heaviness and she still felt he was not 100%. I asked her to scan back and see where the disconnect was.  She realised it was still in the shower.  I asked her to visualise the disconnect.  She saw it like a plug had been taken out.

‘Somebody took the plug out, the plug was taken out so that I could survive, its time to put the plug back in, because that was then, and this is now and its over.  Giving myself permission to put the plug back in, if I could put the plug back in I could feel .... (she realised she felt electricity sparks) I can feel electricity sparks, the connection is being made, allowing myself to make this connection, giving myself permission to make this connection’

I asked her to check out how this connection feels and it still felt frightening, his behaviour was hurtful to her

“I am too hurt by his behaviour, but the truth is... (giving her some time to provide her own reframe) we are hurting each other, I am the adult here, I want him to feel safe with me’

I asked her to tune into how he might have felt when she was stressed and shouting tapping for his feelings

‘Even though I am angry with her, she is shouting at me, I want to feel ok

Even though I am really angry with her, she puts all her anger on me, and its not my fault, and it doesn’t feel fair, I want her to love me, I really want to feel that love.

She’s scaring me, she’s angry with me, shes taking it out on me, thats not fair, I feel so helpless, I wish she would not be so tense, she’s so stressed and tense and I feel so helpless, it doesn’t feel safe’

I encouraged her at this point because I knew this was hard for her, she was being so courageous in being so honest about her feelings and her sons feelings, it takes alot to admit to our own part in this.  She realised he was slapping himself alot, trying to protect himself from her, as if by doing it to himself first she wouldn’t do it to him.

I asked her to tune into the part of herself that takes the anger out on him.  She now felt anger towards herself, she was taking everyones misery on herself and when she couldn’t take it anymore she takes it out on her child and it made her feel cheap.

Even though I am dealing with so much, so many problems, up until now I have been directing all this stress on my son because I don’t know how to be calm about all this.  I accept I am doing the best I can with the resources I have right now, I am overwhelmed by all of this and I can’t handle it, I have not been a good mother, I have not been able to take care of him as I should, there wasn’t a connection, without the connection I couldn’t take care of him, but now I have plugged in the connection I feel ...

She stopped there to say he had climbed into her arms and was snuggling into her, for the first time so I quickly changed tack and just asked her to tap around her feelings on this connection she was feeling.

I deserve this connection, I allow myself this connection, its safe to feel this connection, with this connection we can put the past behind us and move forward.

From a previous newsletter I remembered this visualisation technique, so I asked her to imagine the past between herself and her child and putting it into some kind of container.  She saw a small pouch.

Even though I have this small pouch which contains the memories and feelings of the past, I accept myself without judgement.

As we tapped round on the small pouch I felt an energy shift and I mentioned this.  She couldn’t see the pouch now at the same moment she felt a big energy shift herself and the sad feeling completely lifted.  I asked her to go back to the memory in the shower.  It had changed.

‘I am caressing my belly, I would like to kiss my belly, I want to hug myself and my baby, allowing this deep connection, its safe to hug my baby.’

At this point she said ‘You have to write this story for the newsletter. This is amazing!’  She said her baby was now asleep in her arms like a true baby and her feeling toward him was very different, she felt a deep, deep connection.

Now she planned to tap on all the times he went to others to be pacified and did not need her.  These were still painful memories but she felt very able to carry on tapping for these specific memories so all this pain would be really cleared out.   Talking to her a few days later she confirmed her son is no longer feeling seperate from her but she is still struggling with other difficult relationships and the attendant emotions, however she now feels confident these can be resolved with EFT.

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Author's Bio:

Gillian Wightman uses EFT & MTT techniques at an advanced level to help people deal with chronic anxiety conditions and the aftermath of childhood trauma, known or unknown. My passion is helping people understand their own behaviour and reactions to past traumas and let go of shame, guilt and blame.

In 1996 I began my road to recovery from fibromyalgia and a severe depression and anxiety disorder.  At the time I was on unacceptably heavy medication and no hope was held out for recovery.  I started to search for other options, this was not going to be my life!  This led me to train as a complimentary therapist initially in the field of nutrition, which was the area where I first started to experience some improvement.  I saw clients also improve but something was missing so I started to look for ways to help people with what I clearly saw were the emotional roots to their illness, whilst being rather afraid to look at my own!

This led me to discover EFT and at first I was very sceptical but small results impressed me and then I developed severe trigeminal neuralgia which was eased within two days, a miracle to me, and I was utterly hooked.  However a series of extremely traumatic events and bereavements meant I fell headlong back into the old patterns I had thought I was escaping from.  This time however taught me much about stress and emotions and I realised how strong were the emotional drivers in producing physical and mental illness symptoms.

As a result of the work I have done on my own life experiences with EFT and related energy therapies, including CST, and with the help of some gifted EFT therapists I now enjoy a standard of emotional and physical health I never thought possible and its improving all the time!  This includes full and complete remission from Fibromylagia. 

At 29 I was heading towards a lifetime of medication and a wheelchair.  At 43 I am skiing black runs and and feel better and younger than I did at 20.  I am making dreams coming true both personally and professionally by using EFT and I am passionate about its power to remove limiting negative emotions, self beliefs and neutralise the pain of traumatic memories as I have witnessed in my only life and that of 100's of clients.

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